Modern pharmacology gets a big gold star from me. Meds, My family of friends and lots of therapy saved my life. (if you are reading this thank you, thank you, THANK YOU)
I still have bad days but they aren't as bad or as often. I have better tools but I still struggle to use them.
I am working hard at finding myself again. Trying to make my way through the world with as much grace and compassion as I can muster.
I am still in the eye of a hurricane of change. I am starting to see that it holds possibility as well as destruction but it still scares the living shit out of me.
I feel full of unresolvable diametrically opposed desires. I am trying to be patient with myself and let things sort themselves out. Its hard, I want clear answers, concrete solutions, a clear path to start on and I don't get to have that right now. I am skittish about all emotional connections still. I am having a hard time trusting my own or other peoples intent.
thanks for hanging in there with me. Im still a work in progress.

My backyard this Friday (yes tomorrow)
Its grab bag this Friday, bring a movie you want to see the assembled viewers will decide what we're watching.
Bring something to sit or lay on, your favorite consumables and your beautiful selves.
Movie is at dark o'clock. Guests are welcome after 6.
Pool and grill ave available for use.
Feel free to forward this on

today is/was our 9th wedding anniversary. i think im going to cry in the corner for a while.

I am looking to borrow a digital camera to take to the ren fair in WI mid July. If anyone has an extra one they wouldn't mind lending please let me know. I will return it when I return mid august.

This Friday Night (June 26th) at oh dark thirty I will again showing movies in the back yard. This weeks movie Diabolik from 1968.

Leaving tonight to go to the Nor Cal Pirate Festival. We are boothing so I have to dress up as a pirate all weekend. Which seems silly and a little weird.
If your not busy come see me look silly. Admission is free. Deets here www.norcalpiratefestival.com/

I went and got a new tattoo today. 4 hrs under the needle and you run out of endorphins. bonus: I am not angry right now!

today i am angry.
I am sick of people giving me the fuzzy end of the lolly pop. I am tired of being accused of being a horrible person. I am sick of peoples bullshit situational ethics that they use to justify damaging others.
I am tired of being taken advantage of.I am sick of being betrayed. I am fed up with being nice to people who treat me with disrespect.
I DO NOT DESERVE THIS SHIT. ALL OF YOU SHALLOW, SELFISH, NARCISSISTIC, IMPOTENT PIG FACED MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKERS CAN ROT IN THE HELL YOU ARE CREATING FOR YOURSELVES.
Stay the hell away from me.

I've decided to start having outdoor movie nights at my place. The first one is going to be next Friday (12th)in my backyard. Bring a towel or a chair. Movie will start after dark but you are welcome to come over any time after 6. The pool is open and wonderful. The BBQ will be available should you desire it.
What you should bring: food/beverages you might want to consume, a chair or towel for comfort, bug spray.
I will project the movie onto a 'screen' on the back of the house. I have Slumdog Millionaire but I am taking suggestions for other movies you may want to see. I hope to do this throughout the summer, occasionally having movies in the driveway. Let me know if you are interested and what you might want to see.

In case you missed last nights storm. This video was shot with my phone camera from inside my kitchen with all the windows closed. I had to go outside and run around nekkid for a while after I shot this. I ran back inside when the hail started coming down.

last two days have been bad. Saturday was good. Sunday sucked. Monday and tuesday can go fuck themselves.
I just want to curl up and die.

with bonus German

Me in the Seattle sun. Believe it or not they apparently have sun here.

I brought the rain back to Seattle. It was sunny and warm when I parked the car. An hour later it was clouding up. Now its raining. figures.

every day brings new insight about how my depression was effecting not just me but everyone around me. i thought i was protecting everyone from me. i never meant to hurt anyone. i let the depression tell me things that may not be true.

At 8 this morning I call my doctor's office to get an appointment. The phone drone asked what I wanted to be seen for. I told her I was depressed and suicidal. She asked me what my symptoms were. I repeated that I was depressed and suicidal. She said 1045. I said ok 1045.
I show up at the doctors office. check in, they don't ask for my co-pay which is odd. I wait till they call my name, they put me in another waiting room until a room is available. 10 min later I get a room and a nurse takes my vitals and asks if i am in any pain. I answer no physical pain. she doesn't know how to code depressive/suicidal into computer so puts it in as a check up. nurse says Dr should be in in 15 min. I wait alone in a room for 20 minutes.
a very young Russian female intern comes in. dr proceeds to ask me why im there. I tell her I am depressed and suicidal. She asks if i have thought of how i am going to kill myself and I say yes I have several ways that Ive thought of. I can think of a dozen ways to kill myself with the contents of this room which you left me alone in for 20 minutes. My friends are looking out for me, I have a therapist Im going to talk to and Im here to get some antidepressants and maybe something to help me sleep. Dr says 'I cant give you sleep aids you may take them all at once. Ill be right back' and leaves the room. 2 minutes later she comes back and tries to convince me to have myself committed. I tell her that is not what i want. She tells me that they can stop my pain today if i have myself committed. I tell her that I have far too much to do to be committed and that I dont want it. This goes on for a few minutes. I finally tell her that I refuse to be committed and that it is not going to happen. She gets up without saying anything else and leaves the room. several minutes go by and she hasn't come back. I think oh shit she called the big friendly guys to come and get me. I dont hear anything in the hallway. I wait another minute then I decide Im outta here. Opened the door and walked out. I walked to my car as quickly as i could and drove the fsck out of there.
fscking interns

I have been depressed for several years. I have been a zombie going through the motions of life. I wanted to commit suicide for more than a year. I hadn't acted because of a promise I made.
I don't know how to say I am hurting. I don' know how to ask for help. I was unable to help those I love.
I am talking to my gp today to get chemical intervention. I will be talking to a therapist. I am stuck at the bottom of a very black well and I need help getting out. Please be patient with me I hope to be back soon.

Initial tetrising of trailer and car complete. Covered in dust. Excited. Have to find fingernail polish....
I cant wait to wrap my dusty arms around those of you attending.
For those of you not going to that thing in the desert. We will miss you and will be home soon. Thanks for keeping the home front safe.

Looking for someone who has the opening ceremonies on their tivo or link to video. I was out until parade of nations started. Yes i am checking the torrents.